Jaws (except I've Never Seen It)

Published: Fri 11 July 2025
Updated: Fri 11 July 2025
By Ed

In fiction.

but I basically know exactly what happens because of how old and famous it is and every movie podcast has done it

Important performance note: NEW ENGLAND ACCENTS, PEOPLE. IT'S PRONOUNCED "SHAAHK".

EXT. BEACH - MIDNIGHT - SOME NO GOOD YOUTHS AND A DOOMED SLUT ARE PLAYING A POPULAR YOUTH GAME

ALL TOGETHER
Three … two … one … Sex Drink!
YOUTH #1
Haha Danny now you have to sex drink!
YOUTH #2
Aw come on you guys! I already did all that 1970s cocaine…
ALL TOGETHER
Peer pressure! Peer pressure! Peer pressure!
DOOMED SLUT
Guys this is mean. Stop being mean to Danny.
YOUTH #1
Come on baby, we’re just having fun! Relax, it’s the middle of Summer on Fictional Massachusetts Island, nothing bad is ever gonna happen!
DOOMED SLUT
Whatever. I’m going for a swim.
YOUTH #1
Watch out for sharks!

ALL LAUGH AS SHE WALKS AWAY INTO THE SEA

EXT. BEACH - DAYTIME - IT IS NOW BUSTLING WITH THE NOISE OF SUMMER BEACH FUN. POLICE CHIEF (Mark?) BRODY IS ARGUING WITH MRS BRODY AS THEIR SON GUBBINS PLAYS IN THE SAND

MRS BRODY
Oh come on, Mark, you gotta tell me!
BRODY
You know I’m not supposed to talk about my ongoing cases at my job as the local police chief on Fictional Massachusetts Island, Karen.
MRS BRODY
Oh I know, it’s just that there’s rumours, you know? You know Sandy, the Mayor’s inappropriately young wife? Well she says she heard him say he knows what happened to that popular slut, you know the girl who mysteriously disappeared last week? Angie’s kid, the slut? And Angie’s all torn up about it of course because they’re keeping it all hush hush, but Sandy says her pal Nora from the candy apple stall at the farmer’s market says her boy Danny was out with her the night before and he says they was out swimming and she got bit by a shark right in the tits. Took both her tits clean off, so he says. So she says she says he says.
GUBBINS
Mom I need a shit.
MRS BRODY
Go in the sea, son.
BRODY
Karen, I’m sure whatever happened to that girl, the powers that be are doing whatever is best for the continued prosperity of this struggling island community, whose precarious seasonal economy, need I remind you, is highly dependent on Summer tourism, and whose beautifully picturesque sandy beaches underpin said tourism, what with their soft underfoot textures, favourable temperature and reasonable humidity, and complete lack of dangerous aquatic fauna. Some might say that the mere suggestion of the presence of a carnivorous sea creature could do untold damage to such a delicate business ecosystem. In fact, one might even go as far as to postulate that allowing the dissemination of information of such a dangerous nature would be fiscally irresponsible of the relevant civic leaders, notwithstanding the as-far-as-we-know negligible threat to the lives of the beach-going public. And any tits thereof.
MRS BRODY
Well OK, hun. I’m sure my police chief husband knows best.
SCREAMING WOMAN
Heeelp! Heeeeelp! A shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark! Shaaark attaaaaaack!
SCREAMING MAN
Somebody help! This boy has been shark attacked!

THE BRODIES EXCHANGE FEARFUL LOOKS THEN RUN TOWARDS THE SCREAMS

BRODY
Let me through! Chief of police! Let me see the boy! Oh fuck that better not be my kid!
SCREAMING WOMAN
Help, officer, help! The little Miller boy!
BRODY
Phew!
SCREAMING WOMAN
He’s been shark attacked right in the dick!
SCREAMING MAN
You gotta do something, officer! The shark bit his whole cock clean off! And some of his ass!
BRODY
Oh man, not again. This fuckin shark.

BRODY LOOKS AROUND TO SEE THAT A LARGE CROWD HAS FORMED AROUND THE DICKLESS, ASSLESS, DEAD CHILD. A FELLOW COP, ALSO OFF DUTY, SIDLES UP TO HIM

COP
Hey boss, you need me to plant this on him? (REVEALS A GUN)
BRODY
Nah, it’s too late, they’ve all seen. There’s no way we’re chalking this one up to child-on-child violence. Hey honey, where’s our kid?
MRS BRODY
Dunno. Eh, he’s probably fine.

INT. TOWN HALL - THE FOLLOWING DAY - BRODY IS ADDRESSING THE CROWD OF ASSEMBLED TOWNSFOLK, INCLUDING THE DEAD BOY’S GRIEVING MOTHER. THE PROJECTED SCREEN BEHIND HIM IS SHOWING EXTREMELY GRAPHIC IMAGES OF THE DEAD BOY WITH BIG LABELLED ARROWS INDICATING HIS BITTEN-OFF DICK AND ASS.

BRODY
… So as you can observe by inspection of the bite marks here in the dickal area, and the removal of butt material from the assular region, it seems to me that we’re dealing with some sort of perverted pedophile shark. Possibly communist.
GRIEVING MOM
God damn you, Chief Brody! You told us that it was safe to go in the water! You told us that Angie’s slut kid probably just ran away because of how Angie’s such a bitch all the time, and we trusted you! And now look at her! Dead! Titless and dead! And look at my boy! His dick and ass all gone! All bitten away! We have to put our boy in the ground knowing he’s not all there, that his dick and ass are out there in the stomach of some evil dick and ass and tit-eating sea monster! God damn you Chief Brody! Damn you!
BRODY
Yeah sorry I …

HE IS CUT OFF BY THE SOUND OF NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD. EVERYBODY CRINGES AT THE SOUND. REVEAL QUINT

QUINT
A pedo shark, is it? Well for ten thousand dollars I can …
BRODY
Sorry, sir, you can’t just butt in, you have to wait for the question period and then raise your hand and wait until you’re called on. I still have lots of fucked up pictures of the dead kid to show everyone.
QUINT
OK sorry.
BRODY
Right, well …
QUINT
Ten thousand dollars I’ll kill the shark. That’s it.
BRODY
Hey!
GRIEVING MOM
Deal.
BRODY
Finished? Done? OK. Anyway, here on slide five you can see that the shark only got half of one of his balls

INT. BOAT CABIN - EVENING - QUINT AND HOOPER AND BRODY ARE CHATTING OVER BEERS

QUINT
I’m glad you could both join me here today. I think we should do a quick round of introductions, so could we each please say your name, why you’re on my boat, and a fun fact about yourself. I’ll go first: I’m Quint, I’m going to kill that shark, and besides being a fisherman I have a side hustle writing erotic fan fiction. I have this fantastic niche where all the action takes place in a parallel reality where human beings have a strict social hierarchy, like how we used to think wolves had - you know, dominant alphas and submissive betas and such - manifesting as a caste system which I find really enhances the eroticism. At the moment I’m only getting limited traction in some small-time magazines, but I think if I can keep this going for another forty or fifty years then it might really take off. OK, who wants to go next?
HOOPER
Hi, I’m Hooper, I’m a marine biologist specialising in sharks. I guess I’m here to offer like … um … shark advice or whatever? And a fun fact … uhh … I guess I’m really into coffee? Yeah, I really love coffee.
BRODY
And I’m Brody, the chief of police, so I guess I’m here to regain the public’s trust after the big coverup. Hopefully bringing a big dead shark back with me will help with my public image. Because image is really everything these days, you know? It doesn’t matter how many people you help, how many dangerous criminals you put behind bars, how many years and years you spend working hard, putting yourself on the line to protect this community of ours, to protect our families and our town … it doesn’t matter. You put one foot wrong, just once, and they treat you like some sort of monster. Like a fuckin freak! Hey it wasn’t me bit that girl’s tits off! I’m not the monster here! People forget that. The shark did those things, not the chief of police. It was a shark that bit that little boy’s dick and ass off. I’m the one trying to keep you all safe. But nobody sees that anymore. People don’t know how hard it is, this kind of responsibility. It’s so hard. And I get no thanks. No thanks at all. Whole society’s sick if you ask me.
QUINT
… and a fun fact?
BRODY
Huh? Oh yeah, ok, um … I shot nineteen dogs last year.
QUINT
OK great, good work everyone. Final thing before we get going - any deep-set trauma you guys want to share for character development reasons?
BRODY
Oh yeah, yeah I’m scared of the ocean.
HOOPER
I’m kinda self conscious about being a rich college boy amongst you blue-collar guys. And in the book I’m fucking Brody’s wife.
QUINT
And in the war I was on a ship that got sank and a bunch of my buddies died at sea, so I got some Moby Dick stuff going on. I’m mainly doing this for the money, but also its partly a misdirected revenge thing. (SLAPS HIS THIGH) Right, let’s go kill a fuckin shark!

EXT. BOAT DECK - MIDDAY - BRODY AND HOOPER ARE WATCHING QUINT THROW TANKS OF COMPRESSED AIR OVERBOARD

QUINT
You see fellas, normally sharks wouldn’t go for a tank of compressed air. For sure there’s no nutritional value in it. But this one - this pervert shark is a real sick fuck, and I’m willing to bet he’s into some real particular fetish stuff. If I’m right, that horn-dog is gonna see one of these scuba tanks and immediately start picturing some kinda messed up inflation situation, and he’s gonna chase it and try to fuck it. Then I guess we shoot him or somethin.
HOOPER
In my professional capacity as a shark scientist I can honestly say that this is a brilliant idea that cannot possibly backfire.

THE SHARK BURST OUT FROM UNDERNEATH THE DECK, TEARING THE BOAT IN TWO AND SEIZING QUINT IN ITS MOUTH

HOOPER
A shark!
QUINT
Arrrgh! My dick!
HOOPER
It’s him!

THE SHARK DRAGS QUINT UNDERWATER, THEN COMES BACK AND STARTS TRYING TO FUCK ONE OF THE SCUBA TANKS

HOOPER
Quint was right! Quick, Brody, shoot him!

BRODY IS FROZEN IN SHOCK

HOOPER
What’s wrong, man? Shoot the fuckin thing!
BRODY
I … I … I’m scared of the ocean! I didn’t think it would become relevant on this boat trip, but it is!
HOOPER
It’s OK, buddy, it’s OK … just breathe. Breathe and … uh … think of a dog.

BRODY’S PUPILS NARROW. HE IMMEDIATELY DRAWS HIS GUN AND SHOOTS THE SCUBA TANK. IT EXPLODES SENDING BITS OF BOAT AND SHARK VISCERA IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS WE SEE BRODY AND HOOPER FLOATING IN THE OCEAN, CLINGING TO PIECES OF WRECKAGE. NEARBY THEY SPY THE LIFELESS SIDEWAYS-FLOATING, PARTIALLY EXPLODED CARCASS OF THE ENORMOUS SHARK

BRODY
Thanks Hooper. Well, I guess there’s just one thing left to do.

HE PLANTS A GUN UNDER THE SHARK’S FIN

BRODY
Come on, buddy. Let’s go collect that reward money we’ve previously showed no interest in. And maybe I’ll let you fuck my wife!

THEY LAUGH TOGETHER. ROLL CREDITS